If we have unrequited affection for someone it is emotional masochism. You cannot love someone who doesn't love you - that is merely obsession and infatuation at best. And well, at worst, we are busy realizing our childhood trauma of never feeling good enough, lovable and so forth. Why we unconsciously seek out people who will confirm our automated negative selv-talk. And because we are comfortable with our own trashtalk and believe this to be true about ourselves - that we are not worth it - we stay, we endure and hang on like a cat to the curtain tails. It is painfully pathetic.Read More
We mirror people we like, as it shows them that we respect them and also a certain level of admiration. If their response is favorable to us mirroring them, then they will also typically mirror us. This makes us feel like we are in rapport. We feel safe. This may not necessarily be the case - especially if we are both being people pleasing.Read More
There are generally two types of people when it comes to neediness. There are those of us who pretend to not have any needs, not need anyone, to be completely and utterly self-reliant. Lies. And then there are those of us, who are constantly demanding some sort of "hit" to feel validated. Please like me.Read More
"You can't forget anything that hurt so badly...(...) It's not possible to forget anybody you have destroyed." - James Baldwin from Another Country 1962. I was reading this tidbit of a snippet taken out of context just the other day. It struck me how many things we may think are "forgettable" but indeed they leave forever imprints.Read More
In a time where there are no limits to what people will post online about their private life in order to try to be unique, impressive, fascinating, attractive, gain validation and whatnot, the most simple way to actually be unique is to avoid the trap of oversharing.Read More
"Don't eat that. Stop.", he said as he smacked the back of her hand, reaching for the bread basket. Oh man. I wish I was making this stuff up. But no. A very good friend of mine from New York dated this guy for 2 - not minutes, hours, days, weeks or, heck, even months but 2 full years. Now this may seem like an innocent little thing to say. Although I think I would bite the hand of any person trying to keep me away from the bread basket.Read More
"If you develop an eating disorder when you are skinny to begin with, you go to the hospital. If you develop an eating disorder when you are not skinny to begin with, you are a success story."How low have our standards of success gotten? So low that means of self-destruction are celebrated. It is sad that we accept this type of imprisonment, but fact is - we are the only ones who can stop allowing it to happen.Read More
The absolute worst kind of asshole, is the political correct asshole. I cannot stand this political correct nonsense that is sweeping over us like a summerwind at the moment. There is nothing worse than when we play the passive-aggressive card. It's like we won't even admit we are being assholes and then we blame someone else for our own misfortune. It's complete nuttiness. It stunts our growth because we get stuck in this victimization mindset. Most of us have had a point in our life - at the bare minimum - when we played the victim, until we realized that the only common denominator in every single one of our interactions and circumstances - well, that was us, ourselves, you, me, myself and I. And if we had just an ounce of common sense - which by the way is not very common - then we decided then and there to stop the whining and rather solve whatever needed to be solved. I don't believe we all can or should get along with each other. But I do believe we should all respect each other's differences of opinions.Read More
I was grabbing the metro the other day. And as it so often happens, everyone makes their way in one big mass and stops right in front of the metro doors, not really allowing people to get out, before they push their own way in. One of the truly most mind-boggling behaviors. And I swear, it must be the same people who never pick up their dog shit either, so the streets now look more like a public restroom for the four-legged than anything fit for humans.Read More
We tend to shape our future by constantly looking in rear mirror. This, essentially means that our past keeps running on repeat - just in different shapes and forms. When we are battling any type of addiction, we will want to understand a couple things in order to prevent dabbling between different self-destructive patterns.Read More
How many times do you find yourself in the same situation, just differences faces and different spaces? If your answer is more than 3 times, you might want to consider what the shared feature of each situation is.Read More
And every symptom brings with it a lesson. Until we learn the lesson, the symptom remains. So instead of attacking it, we need to create space to understand what it is, that we are supposed to learn from this symptom. Many of us have this idea, that any body fat is a bad thing. Body fat has an essential role for optimal health and absolutely crucial for female mental health and hormone balance. So when we talk about weight being a symptom, we are talking about a fat percentage below 21% for females or above 30%. For men it is a health concern, if it drops below 14% or rises over 25%.Read More
We tend to think of spiritual practice as something very isolated - something where we engross ourselves in ourselves even more. It easily becomes a thin veil for narcissism and spiritual materialism - nurturing fanatic views and black-white thinking even further.Read More
When we break things, we do so only when we replace them with other things. The key to this is to understand WHAT to replace unwanted behaviors with, otherwise it becomes a willpower struggle that will not last in the long run. Humans do not run on willpower very long - it is just not sustainable.Read More
In this TED talk, poet Shane Koyczan talks about the perception of beauty. It is hauntingly, heartbreakingly beautiful. The essence being, how we need to understand that our words... the way we speak.... is what sets off every other domino effect in the world... in our own and other people's lives. Our choice of words has lasting impact on our own sense of self and those that cross pur path. Yet, we often find ourselves using words so carelessly... as if it's only words. Only words.Read More
Our body makes our trauma real, it provides experiential knowledge of the trauma. Our cells remember hurt from the past. The emotional pain resides in our body memory.
When we do not listen to our body, its only option is to INCREASE the volume.
This is why we got to listen to our body, if we want to break free of past pain.
If we do not listen to our body, we become imprisoned by it. Our life playing on repeat, like a hamster on a treadmill.
So the key to break the cycle is to start being present in our body, and listening to our truth. Where we are right now.
Accepting that we are in pain, that we are acting out, numbing ourselves or whatever we are doing to avoid being in this skin we are in.
By recognizing our dysfunction we can take ownership and change.
As much as it is frustrating, and pretty painful actually, to have to realize how we have been suppressing our truth; fact is that the faster we decide to examine our patterns - we can let go of that which is not serving us.
Only then can we let go and move beyond our current self-limiting beliefs, which has body memory.
Yes, we cannot just rely on talking our way out of our dysfunction. Pain and trauma has body memory. This is also why attraction happens beyond words spoken. We pick up on people's truth and core self by their body language. Our body behavior will reflect our thought patterns: are we reserved, scared of comitting? Are we open, vulnerable and caring?
People like people who touch them - body, mind and soul.
The physical accent of touching is very primal because it literally transmits energy and information beyond our conscious control. Physical touch is a core part of recovery and re-connecting both with ourself and others.
We do not re-connect by intellectualizing and overanalyzing life.
Often intellectualizing things only further disconnects us and provides as a procrastination to take action.
We reconnect by feeling life and the shades of it.
When we touch other people (not grope them, mind you), we are showing a sense of genuine concern.
We are reaching out beyond intellectual blabber and making people FEEL heard, cared for and understood.
The more senses we activate in other people, the stronger the bond will be. And the more genuine also, because we are reading different levels of each others' truth. Who we really are - what we say being secondary.
If we only address the cognitive aspects of change, we get a limited view of emotional responding.
We end up with an overemphasis on conscious controlled cognitive thought processing with little consideration of actual interpersonal dynamics in real time.
We become that person who sounds smart, but doesn't act smart.
Where there is no relationship between what we say and what we do.
And that's just so unattractive on every level.
A key reason to why many of us fail to understand that we cannot keep faking it; people pick up on the unsaid cues too and react in a instinctive way to that, far more important than the picture being presented. Why glitter images of perfect lives often crumble: if too much effort is put on presenting shell perfection without attention to that which is core, we develop a gap between who we are and what we put on display for everyone to judge. When the gap is too big, we feel like frauds and we don't know where to take action because we get too attached to picture perection. And again, the lowest standard will always be perfection, because that is simply not attainable. Also, why perfectionism is so off-putting to others.
We are not being consistent and acting with integrity. We are not behaving in a way that is authentic. We are not relatable.
We are all talk and image with no substance.
Words are cheap, and that is why we need to SHOW our truth not say it.
Too much talking without SENSING, DOING, ACTING, FEELING does not take into consideration that which is beyond our consciousness: our deepest rooted belief-system.
This means we are only working on our shell. Like we prefer - because core work can seem like a lot of work initially. Changing your core will hurt. It will be tiring. It will be a non-linear process of ups and downs and relapses.
That is the only way to transform your life in a way that is in alignment with who you want to be.
When we refuse to change our core, we deal with a constant sensation that we are not really living our truth.
Whenever another storm hits, our card house will collapse. Once again.
So here are the 5 steps in brief that is needed to get back into our body again:
1. CONNECTION: Create opportunities for connection to the body in a safe manner. Connection to and acceptance of all parts/ emotional states, connection to sense of Self.
2. EXPRESSION: Create opportunities for safe and healthy expression through the body,
3. COGNITION: Correct cognitive distortions related to the body.
4. FUNCTION: Create increased ability to utilize self soothing and affect regulation skills
5. MINDFULNESS: Increased ability to be present in the hear and now.
Now these 5 essential steps to gain body sensation needs to be translated into action steps that are doable for your life on a daily basis RIGHT NOW.
I want you to write down next to each step what that action step would be for you.
And then do it.
Sometimes we need to start from scratch. Rather than overanalyze and try to fix things that are broken and lacking; simply toss out all our bad habits, past baggage and with it our belief-system. This, in order to take action steps to create the person, we want to be in the now. It is essential to understand, that this is a decision we make ourselves. Whether we make it or not; we are completely 100% in charge of letting go of the past, in order to become the person we want to be - body, mind and soul.Read More
Being touched and cared for as an infant is paramount for our later development of self, and the establishment of our psychological self along with our physical self. Many of us today struggle with a sense of being truly comfortable in our body. And that's a real shame. Our relationship with our body will affect any other relationship we are in to some degree. If we are not comfortable with the body we are in, it gets very difficult to share our authentic self in an intimate relationship.Read More
Your first ritual that you do during the day is the highest leveraged ritual by far, because it has the effect of setting your mind, and setting the content, for the rest of your day. - Eben Pagan
How we wake up sets the frame for the rest of the day. Every high-achiever - and that is what breaking an addiction essentially is: a high-level achievement - has a set morning ritual. A ritual that triggers clarity, motivation, purpose and determination... that taps into the essence of who we want to be. Every. single. day.Read More
We get so worried about being pretty. Let's be pretty KIND. Pretty FUNNY. Pretty SMART. Pretty STRONG. When we suppress our freedom of being due to external ideals, we sell ourselves short, in addition to sending off a message to others, that love is conditional. An illusion that somehow love is dependent on our physique, that we as humans need to look a certain way to earn love - to be lovable. There is nothing less attractive - and unfortunately also difficult to love ironically - than those of us, who try and try and try to fit in to be loved. The vibration of desperation is something we pick up unconsciously - why we are drawn to some people and repelled by others. Bikini season is the most obvious season to pick up on how body obsessed we have become.Read More