When we are addicted to something, our true self tends to get hidden away. Only to be seen in glimpses here and there, when the cravings are not controlling us. And usually, when we are addicted to something, most of our waking time is spent on figuring out when to get our next fix, recovering from the crash after the high has worn off or dealing with the insatiable cravings.
There is little space to just be. Be okay with who we are.
This is super stressful. And what do we do, when we are stressed out? We reach for our addiction of choice. And on and on it goes.
It is super difficult to break this cycle.
Apart from the chemical cravings that hold us chained - there is the questions that hunts us: who are we, if we do not have our addiction to go to? What do we have to offer? Are we even capable to live in this world without numbing out?
An addiction is basically a long slow suicide attempt.
So to suddenly remove it, one may very well fear, that the only other option left is to go all out quickly to escape the pain, when we no longer can numb out from reality here and there. I think many of those of us struggling with an addiction, fear that we are not made for this world. We feel too sensitive, we feel too airy, we feel too much. And in a world where there is a lot of pain, how can we ever deal with this in a healthy manner? This thinking is devastating, because it reinforces the feeling that we just don't fit in.
It doesn't serve us in moving forward.
Instead it becomes an excuse to keep our addiction well and alive.
Because we think we might just break without it.
Here's the thing. Any addiction will make us feel airy, hypersensitive, moody, all-over-the-place, scattered, unloved, not-good-enough and like a basic misfit. That is because we are actively sending ourself a signal daily, that we are not worthy of our feelings - we need to suppress them and numb out. Whenever we engage in addiction, we reinstill the idea in us, that something us wrong with us fundamentally. An addiction is an active form of self-destruction and self-hate - it leaves no space for tolerance, love or acceptance.
We can't grow as humans when we choose self-hate over acceptance.
Until we decide we have had enough, and we are ready to accept that we are okay the way we are, we won't change. Until we are ready to take that first step without numbing out every time the ground shakes a bit under our feet - until we have had enough, we stay stuck on that hamster wheel. The thing is - change is always only a choice away. It is so very simple. And we make it so complicated. Choice is just one step in the opposite direction of where we have been heading. It is just one step in the opposite direction.