Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired?

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Nest time you feel like you are about to do something that you have promised yourself not to do - ask yourself this simple question: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? This is one of the most easy tools to begin to replace bad habits, step by step. So simple that many refuse to do it - because "it is just too easy" and thus a waste of time, because everything else in life seems like a battle. This is the lie we tell ourselves to NOT take action: if it is not hard, it must not work. Yet it is the simple things in life that works best.

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Balancing the aspects of recovery

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Recovery involves a personal recognition of the need for change and transformation. Recovery is a process through which we gradually achieve greater balance of mind, body and spirit in relation to other aspects of life, including family, work and community. Each person’s recovery process is unique and impacted by cultural beliefs and traditions. Our cultural experience often shapes the recovery path that is right for us. The take-away here is that no one single thing is enough to focus on, not the abstinence, not the trauma, not the nutrition and not the spiritual aspects of connecting with self, others and God. Recovery is complex and requires us to focus on all aspects simultaneously in order to get all the legs on the stool stable.

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Is recovery the same as abstinence?

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Recovery is not just about quitting past destructive behaviors and addictions. We might like to think that recovery is simply being abstinent - being clean, not engaging in bad habits and not taking xyz. Recovery that lasts, however, is not passive. It is not us sitting it out, waiting for the craving magically to just disappear over time. The most frequent relapse happens, when we think our recovery is about focusing on just NOT doing that or taking that. This will simply exhaust our willpower over time and we will give in. We will give in to the craving, because we are not creating a space for the recovered new self, we are just abstaining - and life feels empty when we go about it this way.

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Why you might want to give up cheat days

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I am not a big fan of so-called cheat days. And anyone with a history of addiction issues likely want to avoid this black-white pattern of planning their eating schedule as well. Cheat days easily turn into binge days. And this leaves us in a mental state of feeling like a failure - we went overboard, we felt like we lost control and allowed our impulses to completely take-over. This is a red flag situation for anyone to relapse back into their primary type of addiction. Simply because our MINDSET is now one of "whatever", "I can't control myself" so "I might as well xyz". 

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Abstinence vs. moderation

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Is it all or nothing - what do you think? I like to think that most things in life can be enjoyed in moderation. Although learning to embrace parts of something that has once controlled one, can be difficult. And indeed for some substances it is not possible, as the biochemical component is too strong to ever gain a sense of how to enjoy in moderation again. Yet, from my years of having worked in the addiction field, I am convinced that the deeper lesson of addiction is to embrace the gray zone.

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5 Questions Non-Addicts Don't Ask

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Hello, my name is xyz and I am an addict. Not something anyone ever wants to have to say out loud. Therefore, we often make excuses, explanations and elaborations for our destructive habits, as to not have to attach ourselves with the term "addict". When we are scared of change, when we fear we won't make it through to the other side, when the light seems so far away and we feel weak... That is when we will often tend to deceive ourselves. We will lie in an attempt to survive in the midst of the misery. We will often lie so much, that we convince ourselves, that we do not have a problem. That everything is OK. We are OK. This is OK. What we are doing is fine - everything is just fine. When in fact we are slowly drowning.

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Is what you worship ruining your life?

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Humans were designed to worship. Designed to worship? Seriously what. Did you inhale too much "California grass", I hear you thinking. Nope. Think about why you want more money, designer shoes etc.  Think about why you go to the bar at night. Think about why you watch the game every Sunday.  Think about why you watch gossip celeb tv. Think about why you do the things you do. In each one of our lives, is an element of worship. Humans were designed to worship. This is not something that most of us ever think about, yet realize. Most of us do not even realize, that we are worshipping something. So what are you worshipping and how might that be affecting your life?

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Can you love an addict?

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When we are addicted to something... anything... we lose ourselves. We wear so many masks to hide our insatiable hunger for our fix of choice, that we become merely a shadow of our former self. This feeds into the feeling of emptiness and that there is a void which we must fill up with something outside ourselves, because we feel hollow. For every addiction there is abandonment at the root of the self-destruction and distraction.

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What to do when you crash in recovery.

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Recovery is not a linear process. It is important to be aware of what we can expect in recovery. If we are not mentally prepared of the rocky ride of breaking an addiction, it is easy to get stuck in black and white thinking and give up. We will do this because our default mode of thinking is one of the addict. This means that we often struggle with the gray zone. This is the area where change happens: at the border of our comfort zone. Not inside it, yet not outside it. The problem arises when we don't follow the path of HOW WE THINK recovery should be - then, we feel like a failure. We will easily give up, because we feel that we are not "doing it perfect". 

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How do we re-connect when we feel disconnected?

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I was doing an eating disorder group workshop last week and this question was asked. What do most of us do when we feel disconnected? Some of us obsess over our iphone, others have randomn sex, some of us eat too much, drink too much, take too many drugs while others constantly instagram their ABS while living in the gym addicted to social media and being "liked" for their outside, all the while they feel hollow and unloved on the inside. And yet others simply stop eating to numb the emotional pain, in attempt to feel in control in a world that feels chaotic and scattered oftentimes. So how do we reconnect when we feel disconnected and we just want to distract from the unease of being human - of feeling uncomfortable emotions?

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When we just can't stop hating ourselves.

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In this TED talk, poet Shane Koyczan talks about the perception of beauty. It is hauntingly, heartbreakingly beautiful. The essence being, how we need to understand that our words... the way we speak.... is what sets off every other domino effect in the world... in our own and other people's lives. Our choice of words has lasting impact on our own sense of self and those that cross pur path. Yet, we often find ourselves using words so carelessly... as if it's only words. Only words.

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5 Steps To Get Back in Tune With Your Body

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Our body makes our trauma real, it provides experiential knowledge of the trauma. Our cells remember hurt from the past. The emotional pain resides in our body memory.

When we do not listen to our body, its only option is to INCREASE the volume.

jack kornfield life matters

This is why we got to listen to our body, if we want to break free of past pain.

If we do not listen to our body, we become imprisoned by it. Our life playing on repeat, like a hamster on a treadmill.

So the key to break the cycle is to start being present in our body, and listening to our truth. Where we are right now.

Accepting that we are in pain, that we are acting out, numbing ourselves or whatever we are doing to avoid being in this skin we are in.

By recognizing our dysfunction we can take ownership and change.

As much as it is frustrating, and pretty painful actually, to have to realize how we have been suppressing our truth; fact is that the faster we decide to examine our patterns - we can let go of that which is not serving us. 

Only then can we let go and move beyond our current self-limiting beliefs, which has body memory.

Yes, we cannot just rely on talking our way out of our dysfunction. Pain and trauma has body memory. This is also why attraction happens beyond words spoken. We pick up on people's truth and core self by their body language. Our body behavior will reflect our thought patterns: are we reserved, scared of comitting? Are we open, vulnerable and caring? 

People like people who touch them - body, mind and soul.

The physical accent of touching is very primal because it literally transmits energy and information beyond our conscious control. Physical touch is a core part of recovery and re-connecting both with ourself and others.

We do not re-connect by intellectualizing and overanalyzing life. 

Often intellectualizing things only further disconnects us and provides as a procrastination to take action.

We reconnect by feeling life and the shades of it.

When we touch other people (not grope them, mind you), we are showing a sense of genuine concern. 

We are reaching out beyond intellectual blabber and making people FEEL heard, cared for and understood.

The more senses we activate in other people, the stronger the bond will be. And the more genuine also, because we are reading different levels of each others' truth. Who we really are - what we say being secondary.

body memory

If we only address the cognitive aspects of change, we get a limited view of emotional responding.

We end up with an overemphasis on conscious controlled cognitive thought processing with little consideration of actual interpersonal dynamics in real time.

We become that person who sounds smart, but doesn't act smart.

Where there is no relationship between what we say and what we do. 

And that's just so unattractive on every level. 

A key reason to why many of us fail to understand that we cannot keep faking it; people pick up on the unsaid cues too and react in a instinctive way to that, far more important than the picture being presented. Why glitter images of perfect lives often crumble: if too much effort is put on presenting shell perfection without attention to that which is core, we develop a gap between who we are and what we put on display for everyone to judge. When the gap is too big, we feel like frauds and we don't know where to take action because we get too attached to picture perection. And again, the lowest standard will always be perfection, because that is simply not attainable. Also, why perfectionism is so off-putting to others.

We are not being consistent and acting with integrity. We are not behaving in a way that is authentic. We are not relatable.

We are all talk and image with no substance.

Words are cheap, and that is why we need to SHOW our truth not say it.

Too much talking without SENSING, DOING, ACTING, FEELING does not take into consideration that which is beyond our consciousness: our deepest rooted belief-system.

This means we are only working on our shell.  Like we prefer - because core work can seem like a lot of work initially. Changing your core will hurt. It will be tiring. It will be a non-linear process of ups and downs and relapses.

That is the only way to transform your life in a way that is in alignment with who you want to be.

When we refuse to change our core, we deal with a constant sensation that we are not really living our truth.

Whenever another storm hits, our card house will collapse. Once again.

So here are the 5 steps in brief that is needed to get back into our body again:

1. CONNECTION: Create opportunities for connection to the body in a safe manner. Connection to and acceptance of all parts/ emotional states, connection to sense of Self. 

2. EXPRESSION: Create opportunities for safe and healthy expression through the body,

3. COGNITION: Correct cognitive distortions related to the body.

4. FUNCTION: Create increased ability to utilize self soothing and affect regulation skills

5. MINDFULNESS: Increased ability to be present in the hear and now.

Now these 5 essential steps to gain body sensation needs to be translated into action steps that are doable for your life on a daily basis RIGHT NOW.

I want you to write down next to each step what that action step would be for you.

And then do it.

How To Start Life From Scratch

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Sometimes we need to start from scratch. Rather than overanalyze and try to fix things that are broken and lacking; simply toss out all our bad habits, past baggage and with it our belief-system. This, in order to take action steps to create the person, we want to be in the now. It is essential to understand, that this is a decision we make ourselves. Whether we make it or not; we are completely 100% in charge of letting go of the past, in order to become the person we want to be - body, mind and soul.

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Your Body Needs Touch To Heal

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Being touched and cared for as an infant is paramount for our later development of self, and the establishment of our psychological self along with our physical self. Many of us today struggle with a sense of being truly comfortable in our body. And that's a real shame. Our relationship with our body will affect any other relationship we are in to some degree. If we are not comfortable with the body we are in, it gets very difficult to share our authentic self in an intimate relationship. 

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